Whether we have loved ones who were maimed or killed in the terrorist attack on America, or whether our sadness comes from a heartfelt identification with and compassion for these innocent victims, we are part of a grieving process that is both personal and national. Our lives will never be the same. And to make it even more difficult, America’s expected prolonged war against terrorism will tend to spark new episodes of grief that in turn will awaken previous wounds not-yet-healed. 

For each of us, our journey through all this grief will be unique and personal. With the help of hope and faith, and through the assistance of loved ones, friends, and community resources, we each will pass through the anguish to eventual healing. As you move into and through your grief, these guidelines may help to ease your way:

v     Don’t underestimate your need to grieve. The miracles of modern media have transported each of us into the midst of these terrible acts of violence and into the hearts of the direct victims and their families. Allow yourself to grieve; express your thoughts and feelings. Help others do the same. Doing so will benefit your health and the well being of our nation.

v     Be kind to yourself. Whether your involvement has been direct or indirect, you have been brutally wounded. Give yourself and those around you special care. Tune into and respond to the needs of your body. Get regular exercise, such as a brisk walk in the fresh air, and take plenty of time for rest and sleep. Do your best to eat food that comforts you and properly fuels your body. Remember to drink enough water and other fluids. And be very accepting, understanding, and gentle with yourself.

v     Breathe! In the stress of grieving, we often tighten our muscles, particularly in the lower stomach area. Thus we fail to breathe properly, de-energizing and stressing ourselves. Occasionally take in a slow, deep breath: Allow your belly to expand as if it were a balloon filling with air. Then relax as your breath gently, naturally flows out. As you go through the day, notice your breathing. Avoid tensing the muscles of your belly. Breathe with a soft belly. 

v     Share your grief. Though you will need time to yourself, it’s also essential that you freely talk about your reactions to the attack on America and the predicted long-term war against terrorism. Find at least one person whom you respect and trust, and pour out your heart and soul. Do this regularly, as long as you feel the need. Atrocious terrorist acts that maim and kill innocent people are devastating experiences, as is an international war against terrorism. You will probably need periodically to talk about your feelings even well into the future. 

v     Say "no" to persistent negative thoughts. You may be struggling with a variety of repetitive negative thoughts, perhaps mental flashes of the twin World Trade Center towers collapsing or intense thoughts of revenge. Acknowledge and face these thoughts and the feelings they provoke. However, once you have felt them, and learned from them---and when you personally are ready to move on---do your best not to dwell on these troublesome thoughts. When unwanted devastating pictures come into your thoughts, mentally say, “Stop!” while visualizing a large stop sign. Then immediately put your mind on more positive, constructive thoughts, or visit with a friend. Doing something physical, like jogging or yoga, can also help you to break loose from harmful, self-defeating thoughts.

v     Journal through your grief. Daily, or perhaps a couple times a week, record your thoughts and feelings in a journal, diary, or notebook. Let your pen do the talking as you express your reactions, your concerns, and your determination to create a better world. You can write “Dear Journal” letters, “talking” to your journal as if it were a trusted and wise friend; and then letting it respond back to you through your own pen. It’s a creative way of dialoguing with your inner self. Or you may wish, for example, to address your writing to the firefighters of New York and their devastated families or perhaps to God if you are a person of faith. Putting your genuine thoughts and feelings on paper is a therapeutic, healing experience. It can strengthen your immune system, your wisdom, and your ability to be a blessing to those around you.

v     If you are spiritually inclined, draw on this resource. Your relationship to God or a guiding power can bring immense comfort in the wake of all this senseless and violent destruction. Nourish yourself spiritually in whatever way works best for you—prayer, community worship, being with nature, meditation, or the drinking in of sacred scripture. Pour out your heart; express your heartache, rage, and frustration; ask questions. Then trustfully, patiently open yourself to the inner guidance you receive. Listen to and trust the whispers of your heart and soul.

v     Know when to seek professional help. If you find yourself feeling consistently fearful, edgy, hostile, or depressed; or if your thoughts keep dwelling on details of the terrorist attack and the resulting violent deaths; or if you are having nightmares or your health or job performance is suffering, reach out to a trained professional who can assist you.

v     Look for bright spots. Stay open to your pain as it arises, but as you can, balance that pain by embracing the small, simple gifts of delight that come your way—a beautiful sunset, the laughter of children at play, the caress of a gentle breeze, a co-worker who makes you chuckle, or a warm hug from a dear friend. The more you look for bright spots, the more they will find you and cheer you on. 

Prepared by Sam Quick, Ph.D., Human Development and Family Relations Specialist, and Peter Hesseldenz, M.A., Family Studies Staff Associate, Department of Family Studies. Colleges of Human Environmental Sciences and Agriculture, University of Kentucky Cooperative Extension Service.

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