The recent terrorist attacks on America have triggered a national grief process. As the initial disbelief and shock wear off, an array of feelings present themselves---fear, outrage, confusion, weariness, sadness. Naturally, those who have been severely injured and those who have lost loved ones will experience the most intense and heart-wrenching grief.

Nevertheless, vast numbers of Americans, feeling a common bond and identification with the victims and their families, are going through a sympathetic grief process which, while less intense, is very real. In addition to the death of fellow Americans, we are also grieving this act of war on our homeland and the loss of what most Americans believed to be an almost invincible sense of national security. And with America’s promise to launch a prolonged war on terrorism, future events may further complicate our journeys toward healing.

For most of us, the terrorist attacks initially provoked a sense of shock and disbelief that may have lasted for days. That was nature’s insulation, cushioning the extreme severity of the blow. 

Following the disbelief---sometimes very quickly---comes a variety of physical and mental reactions to such a crisis. These may include outrage, a simmering anger, edginess, inability to sleep, lack of appetite, anxiety, numbness, nausea, fatigue, a feeling of alienation, fear, intense sadness, or an inability to concentrate. 

Other common reactions include feeling a loss of control over one’s life, a shaking of one’s security, and, for persons of faith, perhaps even a temporary loss of trust in God. Longer-term physical and mental reactions may include intrusive thoughts, nightmares, terror attacks, a continued sense of isolation, difficulty in communicating, sleep disturbances, depression, inability to feel emotion, disruption of sexual activity, startled reactions, irritability, and poor concentration.

As you struggle to cope with your grief over the senseless murder and destruction of these terrorist attacks, remember that you will get through it. With time, and with help from family and friends, and with a combination of struggle and surrender, you will see daylight again. Even if there are times of apparent setbacks, you will progress and heal and grow. You will never forget, and there will always be an ache and emptiness in your heart, but your pain---as incredible as it may be---will gradually ease. You will get better. 

Reach out. The supportive presence of those who live on and care about you will give you the strength to face the trauma and keep going. This will be true throughout what may be a painfully slow journey through grief to healing. Allow friends to help out. Accept both emotional support and other kinds of assistance. Ask for what you need.

Whatever your emotions and thoughts, they are part of the difficult and healing process of grief work. Stay open to your feelings as they arise and accept the intensity of your emotions. Be very compassionate and kind to yourself. Realize that your anguish, rage, and confusion are the beginnings of a natural healing process---a process you cannot rush, a process that will have a variety of ups and downs.

Express yourself. Let it out. Talk. Cry. Scream. Run laps.  Just don’t bottle up your anger; it causes stress and can affect job performance and relationships. You have to deal with your sorrow and anger. The only way out of your pain is through it.

No matter what form it takes, violent death makes the grieving process more difficult. As bad as it is in the beginning, your sorrow, sense of loss, and anger may intensify as the weeks roll by. You will eventually feel better, but it will be a gradual process marked by unexpected flare-ups of grief. Don’t defeat yourself by having unrealistic expectations. Be patient with yourself, and the healing process will move along much more smoothly.

Whatever the intensity and nature of the grief you are feeling, know when to seek professional help. If you find yourself feeling consistently hostile, depressed or fearful; if your thoughts keep dwelling on the details of the terrorist act and the violent deaths; if you’re having regular nightmares; if your health has suffered markedly; or if you simply want an objective person to talk with—reach out for assistance. The clergy, mental health professionals, family therapists, and hospice bereavement counselors are among the trained professionals who can assist you. 

At times we all need a helping hand. Knowing when to reach out for professional guidance is a mark of courage and intelligence.

Prepared by Sam Quick, Ph.D., Human Development and Family Relations Specialist, and Peter Hesseldenz, M.A., Family Studies Staff Associate, Department of Family Studies. Colleges of Human Environmental Sciences and Agriculture, University of Kentucky Cooperative Extension Service.  

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