ABSTRACT The Moral and
Spiritual Experience of Children of Divorce
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| In recent decades the number of
children who experience their parents' divorce has grown rapidly, yet we are only
beginning to ask significant questions about their experience. While there is increasingly
more data available about the socio-economic status of children of divorce, very little is
known about their moral or spiritual experience, especially as it develops over a
lifetime. In this paper, Elizabeth Marquardt employs reflections about her own experience and interviews with four adult children of divorce to explore these questions: If children of divorce grow up traveling between their parents, each of whom has particular moral values and traditions, how do they negotiate between those differences? How is their moral identity shaped by the experience? If faith traditions often tell children that God is like a parent, how does the experience of divorce shape theological understandings for children of divorce? Are faith traditions accessible for children of divorce, or do their teachings need to be reinterpreted in light of these children's experiences? Arguing that our culture is almost devoid of a language to express these children's experiences, Marquardt proposes several metaphors that might help to shed light on the topic. With regard to their moral experience, she argues that children of divorce who grow up seeing both of their parents are like travelers between two lands. In each land they are both an alien and a citizen. Their alien status may be distinguished by physical characteristics ("you look like your father"), personality characteristics ("that's just like your mother"), and name (due to the fact that many children of divorce who are now adults often lived with their mother but had their father's last name). Their citizen status comprises those characteristics that they share with the people of each land. In each land the child has a realm of experience that the inhabitants of the other land usually know little about. When the child grows up, there may be a whole thread of experience that the other parent knows little or nothing about. Each land also has different rules and customs, and it is up to the child to |
negotiate between them.With
regard to spiritual experience, Marquardt first discusses the range of losses that occur
in the lives of children of divorce. Loss is a primary experience for these children, yet it is a complicated loss. If the child still sees both parents, then he or she still "has" them, but it is not the same. To be with one parent automatically means not being with the other, and this is a constant, yet ever-shifting experience in the lives of children of divorce. In addition, a divorce often causes children to lose their home, bedroom, neighborhood, and more -- even family friends and relatives may disappear. Futher, remarriages are less stable than first marriages, so it is possible for children of divorce to experience many of these losses again. A theological metaphor that allows rich description of this experience is the Biblical story of the exile. Children of divorce experience a kind of exile, with the attendant emotions of loss, grief, and anger. Yet, the Biblical tradition does not stop with exile. God promises a return, a deliverance from fragmentation to a state of wholeness. How, then, do children of divorce experience this journey from exile to wholeness? How can a faith tradition help them on this journey? These questions and more are explored in the paper, illustrated with quotations from children of divorce themselves. Finally, the paper concludes with an appendix that lists practical suggestions for religious professionals in ministering to children of divorce. If you would like to receive a free copy of the paper, please contact the project by email, telephone, or regular mail, and it will sent it to you. Religion, Culture, and Family Project |
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