Overcoming Barriers to Co-Parenting    Nina Chen, Ph.D. Human Development Specialist University of Missouri Outreach and Extension

For some parents, co-parenting may not be easy and can seem idealistic to them. For whatever reason, some never married parents cannot get along, they just want the other parent out of their lives.  The painful experiences may make co-parenting more difficult to start.  It is difficult for some parents to get over their own pain.  However, for the sake of children, parents need to overcome their own issues and focus on their children's issues. The following are some suggestions:

Take a small step each time.
Parents can take a small step each time to work with the other parent. By taking a small step, parents can ease their tension, stress, and anxiety. This small step can help build co-parenting skills and change parent's perspective. 

Parents may want to write down what they will say to keep a peaceful conversation and businesslike relationship to raise their children. For instance, "I will not put down the other parent and will put my children's needs first."  "I will focus on my child's issues and not fight with the other parent in front of my children." Repeating positive affirmation before talking to the other parent can help reduce conflict.

Remember the golden rule -- "Treat others the way you want to be treated."
If parents treat each other the way they want to be treated, parents can have a good parenting outcome.  Respect the other parent and their point of view.  This doesn't mean you have to accept his or her ideas, instead you show your acknowledgement about what you hear. 

Instead of name calling, put downs, or arguing, you can negotiate with the other parent to explore alternatives respectfully. Try to practice this golden rule. Things will become easier for both parents to work together for the best interests of their children.

Be courteous.
Both parents need to be polite to each other. Treat each other like a business partner.  When you have a meeting, the meeting should focus on children's needs and issues just like a business meeting.  Preparing your agenda ahead of time can help make the meeting going smoothly. 

Let the other parent know that you will act civilly for your children and ask him or her to do the same.  If you are courteous to the other parent, you teach your children that although we have different opinions, we can use positive approaches to work out problems.

Change attitudes. 
If both parents still cannot get along, parents might need to think about what causes them not to cooperate.  If parents always want to compete with each other and don't trust each other's parenting skills, both parents need to change their attitudes and perspective, such as tones of voice, language, expectations, and thoughts

Parenting is a tough job. Give each other space to learn and explore. There is no perfect parent, so allow each other to make mistakes and learn from the mistake

Control anger. 
Anger can be inevitable for both parents. Therefore, parents need to learn how to control anger and be able to negotiate effectively with each other on children's issues. Try to plan ahead what you would do if you are angry.  For instance, call for time out, leave the room till you cool down, take a deep breath, etc.  It's a good idea if both parents can agree that if anger occurs, it's time to take a time out.

Finally, if your situation involves abuse or violence and can makes children unsafe, you need to be cautious about protecting children. For instance, seeking help from counselors, therapists, informing attorneys, arranging supervision visitation, etc. Children need both parents, but they also need to be protected